Manat Kaur

42 Years old,  UK

In July 2018 after over a year of recovering, I started to self-harm again! The reason I started to self-harm was me screaming for help and attention.

Since 2017 I was a victim of Domestic Abuse. This led to malicious communication to my family and certain Sikh Organisations that I volunteered with. My perpetrator was threatening my family. I first turned to the Police who let me down very badly and then I had to resort to getting a Solicitor to put protection in place.

As a result of all of this, in June 2018 I had a mental breakdown. I couldn’t leave my flat to even put the rubbish out or collect post from my letterbox, for my own protection, I installed CCTV

He had access to my friends on social media, so he could monitor what I was doing. He would get guys to watch me and later that day or as soon id arrive to the place I was going out. I would receive text messages saying what I was wearing when I left home and the steps of me getting into my car. He was stalking me, But the Police did nothing even when I gave them written evidence from the accounts, where he was watching me from.

When we used to be on talking terms. If I went away or went out with friends. He would continuously call me to see where I was. One night he called me over 60 times. Then he would turn up at my flat to make sure that no one has come to my flat after a night out. My family and friends noticed this more than me. If I didn’t do what he asked, then he would ensure he would get his way.

The final straw was drawn… my perpetrator started to share lies with Sikh Organisations, my family and friends. The context was lies about me having Abortions and sexual stories.

This was it… how could I face my family and Sikh Organisations. After these disgusting and malicious lies were being spread within the community. I had no evidence to back up these stories, these lies were so degrading, demoralising and disgusting. I just felt such shame.

When I used to look in the mirror, I hated myself. I began to believe I was a dirty individual that shouldn’t be alive. So, day after day I started to knife my chest. Everyday getting closer and closer to my throat.

I couldn’t think clear and to be honest I couldn’t feel the pain anymore. The only time I felt the pain was the following morning when the shower gel would touch the skin where it had been cut.

My work colleagues and friends started to notice the cuts even when I tried so hard to hide it with my chunni or scarf. Finally, I spoke to the 7th PC to say that I am going to Kill myself if he doesn’t stop. That was when the Police started to take me seriously. I went to the Police Station and broke down. As I couldn’t take or deal with this anymore.

This went on until October 2018. But in September the Organisation Living Without Abuse helped me and I started my counselling sessions and I visit the Well Being Clinic for regular check-ups. Once a week I attend a 2hr counselling session. As the weeks passed, I started to realise that this was not my fault.

My perpetrator could no longer control me, with his cohesive behaviour so he tried to isolate me from my family and Sikh Community.

This was all because I refused to have an affair with him. He was a married man with children!! He had been obsessed with me since 2015.  Before I blocked him and refused to communicate with him, he said that he would ruin me…. and he did!

I don’t think I will ever get closure for the damage caused to my mental health, the insecurities I have in my life, the judgements I face. Even now if I hear any strange noises outside, I get scared and paranoid thinking that it could be him. This is how I live and what a way it is to live!!!

However, the main thing is that I have learnt how to cope and move on.Without the support of my family, friends, work colleagues and Living Without Abuse sessions. I believe I wouldn’t be here anymore

I am proud to say I haven’t had the thought of self-harming for 8 weeks.

Vaheguru ji Ka Khalsa Vaheguru ji Ki Fateh

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